This morning I found myself in tears and choked up. I was unable to speak and yet I was so angry. As I was crying, sitting on hold with coordinators at The Fertility Center, I thought: this is absurd…
The reasons for my tears, you ask? Well, my period started yesterday and this is the month that Bryan and I planned on starting the IVF process. The first step in this lengthy process is testing to check my ovaries and the quality of my eggs. These tests are done on specific days of the cycle and so scheduling them is very precise. On day 3 I need blood work to check my levels of FSH, LH, HCG, Progesterone and Estradiol as well as have a transvaginal ultrasound to see if there are any abnormalities with my ovaries and uterus, and to determine the number of antral follicles (eggs) I have. On day 10 I need to have a sonohysterogram which is an ultrasound with fluid inserted through a catheter and this test identifies if there are any possible lesions in the uterine cavity. If I started my period yesterday, a Sunday, then it is imperative that I call today to schedule the day 3 tests for tomorrow and the day 10 ultrasound for next Tuesday. Then after all these tests are done, which don’t include the tests we have already done, we meet with our doctor, Dr. Shapiro, to review the results and the treatment plan that he recommends.
So this morning, I had the “New Patient Coordinator” on the phone. We met with her 6 months ago at our initial consultation and she informs me that because of these 6 months, it is protocol that we come back in for the INITIAL CONSULTATION (something that we were never told). That means: no scheduling of the day 3 tests, no checking my eggs or uterus, no moving forward as we had planned to do this month. The tears streamed in an incontrollable way that took me by surprise and with the loss of eye fluid came the loss of my ability to speak. I was transferred to another coordinator who was to schedule the initial consultation. When she finally came on the phone, after what felt like an hour, I got a few words out between long pauses and deep breaths as my mind went over what this meant.
That is when I realized the absurdity in my being upset. The coordinator on the phone has probably heard many a woman cry but probably over the loss of her embryo or the fact that an embryo did not “stick”, not the fact that she has to wait another month to start the IVF process. Maybe my tears are absurd, but maybe they are not. Emotions are emotions.
Some beautiful emotions came out in these moments as well. My husband and I both wrote emails to Dr. Shapiro, as did the coordinator and when I read the email my husband sent, my tears became tears of happiness. His email reminded me of how lucky I am to have him. We have only been married 5 months, so when I see him referring to me as his wife and standing up for me and my emotions, my heart skips a few beats. I feel so lucky to be on this crazy journey with this amazing man.
The more I sat and thought about it, as I waited for someone to get back to me about whether we can schedule the tests now or if we have to do the initial consultation again, the more I realized that it is all a process. We are here now, where we are, because of what has taken place in the past and I will always only believe that everything happens as it does and when it does, for a reason. It is divine timing and I must trust that…
Trusting the divine timing helped. About 3 hours later I received a call back. The coordinator said that she spoke to a colleague advising her that since we are so close to the 6 month cut-off protocol, that we could go ahead and schedule the cycle day 3 ultrasound and the day 10 hysterogram. All the worry for nothing. But it is a nice reminder that I have a heart and I feel emotions. It is okay to feel emotions; it reminds us that we are alive. If “the root of suffering is attachment“ and what I am attached to is hope…the hope for a child, then I am okay with intermittent suffering. It is all preparation for the suffering that is to come when we finally have our child. Divine timing indeed.
Thank you for reading…stay tuned for test results. Here’s to hoping for HEALTHY EGGS!